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改译:
...with this kindly winter why ask for more?
说明:
endowed的逻辑主语是谁?是what else吗?显然不是。所以叫做 dangling participle,它的逻辑主语应当是“济南”。
原文:
那水呢,不但不结冰,倒反在绿萍上冒着点热气……
原译:
When it comes to the waters, instead of freezing, they even emit a bit warm vapor hanging above duckweed.
改译:
As for the springs and ponds, they don't freeze over, but even give off wisps of warm vapour.
说明:
原译中的hanging above duckweed是一个悬垂分词(dangling modifier)。“水蒸气”无法hang,也可以说是搭配不当。
原文:
看着看着,这件花衣好像被风儿吹动,叫你希望看见一点更美的山的肌肤
原译:
Gazing upon the blouses, you may perceive as if they were blown slightly open in a breeze and unveiled a bit bloom of the hills to feast your eyes.
改译:
As one gazes,these seem to shift in the breeze as if baring the hill for a better look at its lovely shape.
说明:
原译视角发生变化:you→they (blouses),改译只有一个视角。
4. 不够简洁
古人讲惜墨如金,翻译也要如此。译者要注意某些词是否重复过多,有无多余的修饰(修饰语的意思已经包含在其他地方),有无可以简化的表达方法等等。
原文:
那水呢,不但不结冰,倒反在绿萍上冒着点热气,水藻真绿,把终年贮蓄的绿色全拿出来了。天儿越晴,水藻越绿。