As I walked today in the golden sunlight -- this warm, still day on the far verge of autumn -- there suddenly came to me a thought which checked my step and for the moment half bewildered me. I said to myself: My life is over. Surely I ought to have been aware of that simple fact; certainly it has made part of my meditation, has often coloured my mood; but the thing had never definitely shaped itself, ready in words for the tongue. My life is over. I uttered the sentence once or twice, that my ear might test its truth. Truth undeniable, however strange; undeniable as the figure of my age last birthday.
My age? At this time of life, many a man is bracing himself for new efforts, is calculating on a decade or two of pursuit and attainment. I, too, may perhaps live for some years; but for me there is no more activity, no ambition. I have had my chance -- and I see what I made of it.
今天,当我在金灿灿的阳光下漫步的时候一一这是深秋时节温暖而宁静的一天一-突然产生了一个想法。我因此而驻足，一时间困惑不已。我自言自语道:我的生活结束了。的确,我应该早已意识到这样一个简单的事实;它也确实融入了我的沉思默想,并常常将一抹暗淡的色彩覆上我的心绪。然而,这件事还从未清晰地展现过它的实体,也没有被用语言表达过。我的生活结束了。我将这句话重复了两三遍,我的耳朵或许可以测试出它是否真实。无论感觉多么奇怪，这都是无可否认的事实,就像我去年生日时的年龄一样不可否认。
我的年龄?许多人在人生的这个阶段,正在激励自己去追求新的成就,规划着未来十年或二十年的追求和目标。或许我也可以再活上几年,但活力和雄心早已一去不返。我也拥有过属于自己的机会一我也知道自己是如何利用它的。
The thought was for an instant all but dreadful. What! I, who only yesterday was a young man, planning, hoping, Iooking forward to life as to a practically endless career, I, who was so vigorous and scormful, have come to this day of definite retrospect? How is it possible? But, I have done nothing; I have had no time; I have only been preparing myself -- a mere apprentice to life. My brain is at some prank; I am suffering a momentary delusion; I shall shake myself and return to common sense -- to my schemes and activities and eager enjoyments.
Nevertheless, my life is over.
What a little thing! I knew how the philosophers had spoken; I repeated their musical phrases about the mortal span -- yet never till now believed them. And this is all? A man's life can be so brief and so vain? Idly would I persuade myself that life, in the true sense, is only now beginning; that the time of sweat and fear was not life at all, and that it now only depends upon my will to lead a worthy existence. That may be a sort of consolation, but it does not obscure the truth that I shall never again see possibilities and promises opening before me. I have “retired,” and for me as truly as for the retired tradesman, life is over. I can look back upon its completed course, and what a little
thing! I am tempted to laugh; I hold myself within the limit of a smile.
有那么一瞬间，这个想法几乎令我感到恐惧。怎么!我,昨天还只是一个年轻人,对生活充满了规划与希望,展望着自己的前程,年少轻狂,朝气蓬勃一怎么会已经到了只剩下回忆的日子呢?这怎么可能呢?我还什么都没有做过;我还没有充分利用时间;我还只是在为自己做准备一一仅仅是一个生活的学徒。这是我的大脑的恶作剧吧,抑或是暂时的错觉,只要摇摇头,我就能回到正常的感觉中来一一回到我的规划、活动和热切的享受中来。
然而,我的生活确实结束了。
人生多么微不足道啊!我知道哲学家们的论调,我复述他们关于生命短暂的动听语句一一但直到此时,我才真正相信了他们的话。仅此而已吗?人的一生就是如此短暂、空虚吗?我想要说服自己,真正意义上的生活现在才刚刚开始,那种充斥着汗水与恐惧的日子根本不是生活,只要我愿意,现在就可以过上一种有价值的生活一一但一切都是徒劳。这也许是一种安慰,但它却无法掩盖事实:已经没有任何可能性和希望会展现在我的面前了。我已经“退休”了,就像一个退休的商人一样,对我来说,生活确实已经结束了。我可以回顾已经走完的全部路程,那是多么微不足道啊!我想放声大笑,但我抑制住自己的情绪,只是惨淡一笑。
And that is best, to smile not in scorn, but in all forbearance, without too much self-compassion. After all, that dreadful aspect of the thing never really took hold of me; I could put it by without much effort. Life is done -- and what matter? Whether it has
been, in sum, painful or enjoyable, even now I cannot say -- a fact which in itself should prevent me from taking the loss too seriously. What does it matter? Destiny with the hidden face decreed that I should come into being, play my little part, and pass again into silence; is it mine either to approve or to rebel? Let me be grateful that I have suffered no intolerable wrong, no terrible woe of flesh or spirit, such as others -- alas! Alas! - have found in their lot. Is it not much to have accomplished so large a part of the mortal journey with so much ease? If I find myself astonished at its brevity and small significance, why, that is my own fault; the voices of those gone before had sufficiently warned me. Better to see the truth now, and accept it, than to fall into dread surprise on some day of weakness, and foolishly to cry against fate. I will be glad rather than sorry, and think of the thing no more.
不带嘲讽意昧,隐忍却不过分自怜——这样的微笑再好不过了。毕竞,我没有被生活最恐怖的一面抓住不放,不必费太大力气就可以摆脱它。生活结束了一一这有什么关系呢?总而言之,尽管我现在还无法断言生活是痛苦的还是快乐的,但这一事实本身就可以使我不去将损失看得过于严重。这有什么关系呢?那未曾露面的命运注定我要出生,扮演自己的小角色,然后重返寂静之地。赞成或是反抗,这是我的分内之事吗?唉!唉!至少,我没有遭受过其他人在命运中所遭受的无法忍受的不公正，以及肉体或精神上的可怕折磨——让我为此心怀感激吧!能够如此自在地走完人生的一大半旅程,不也很好吗?如果我因生命的短暂和渺小而感到震惊,那也是我自己的过错;那些先人的话语已经充分警告过我了。现在就看清真相并欣然接受,要远胜于在软弱之时陷人惊恐之中并愚蠢地大声反对命运。我宁愿开心地、而不是遗憾地生活下去,我也不会再去想这件事了。
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