Verbal feedback works best when delivered in the form of brief statements, rather than questions. (Your questions usually get answered if you wait.) Statements allow you to paraphrase and reflect what you've heard, which affirms the speaker's success at communicating and encourages the speaker to elaborate further or delve more deeply into the topic. Meaningful exchanges are built on feedback.

In order to accurately feed back a person's thoughts and feelings, you have to be consciously, actively engaged in the process of listening. Hearing a statement, you create a mental model, vicariously experiencing what the speaker is describing, feeling the speaker's feelings through the filters of your own humanity and experience.

Ten steps to effective listening

• Face the speaker and maintain eye contact.

• Be attentive yet relaxed.

• Keep an open mind.

• Listen to the words and try to picture what the speaker is saying.

• Don't interrupt and don't impose your "solutions."

• Wait for the speaker to pause to ask clarifying questions.

• Ask questions only to ensure understanding of something that has been said (avoiding questions that disrupt the speaker's train of thought).

• Try to feel what the speaker is feeling.

• Give the speaker regular feedback, e.g., summarize, reflect feelings, or simply say "uh huh."

• Pay attention to what isn't said—to feelings, facial expressions, gestures, posture, and other nonverbal cues.

Listening is a precious gift—the gift of time. It helps build relationships, solve problems, ensure understanding, resolve conflicts, and improve accuracy. At work, effective listening means fewer errors and less wasted time. At home, it helps develop resourceful, self-reliant kids who can solve their own problems. Listening builds friendships and careers. It saves money and marriages.

More listening tips

• Mentally screen out distractions, like background activity and noise. In addition, try not to focus on the speaker's accent or speech mannerisms to the point where they become distractions. Finally, don't be distracted by your own thoughts, feelings, or biases.

• When listening for long stretches, focus on (and remember) key words and issues.

• When dealing with difficult people, spend more time listening than speaking.

• When in doubt about whether to listen or speak, keep listening.

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